Happy New Year

Each year, as the year draws to an end, I begin to reflect with more purpose on the year that is nearly past.   Each year I choose a word that best describes that year of my life.   There are many words that could describe 2014, change, pain, struggles, etc.  but over arching them all, one word rings out with more clarity than all the others.  Growth.  It was a year of change, of many struggles, and of pain.   I faced many challenges, some much more difficult than others.  Some were of the physical variety, but most were internal, emotional.  Most people never saw either the struggle or the pain.  But there is One who saw it all.  Not only did He see the struggles and the pain, but He used them to accomplish His work in my life.   There is much that I faced in 2014 that I would just as soon never think about again.  At the time I felt I was in a very dark place, both emotionally and spiritually.  I felt lost, alone, broken beyond repair, and very, very small.  Looking back I see a very different picture.  Looking back I still see the pain and the struggles, but I also see a very big God!  Looking back I can see His hand in every struggle, every painful circumstance and realization, and in the very darkest moments it was His hands that held me close.  
   I love to garden.  I have two gardens, one for vegetables and annual flowers, and one for shrubs and perennial flowers.  With each of my shrubs, I have a specific idea in mind of the shape and size I wish that shrub to be, and each year I must trim and prune the shrub to achieve the desired results.  Some years I only trim a little here and there.  Other years require much more drastic pruning.  I did not get much, if any, pruning done in my garden in 2014.  The pruning was happening in my life and in my heart.   The Master Gardener was using the circumstances of my life to prune out the ugly, dead, and diseased bits of my heart, shaping me into His image, growing me to be His woman.   As difficult and as painful as the past year has been, when I look at it from this perspective, I would not go back and change one circumstance, even if I could.  The growth and the change that He has worked in my heart is worth facing far more than the pain and the struggles of the past year.  The last few months of the year have been months of healing, of learning to trust my Heavenly Father, of learning to rest in His arms, and to stay near to His heart.   For the first time in my life I can truly and honestly say that He is all that I need to be complete and to be content.   I don't mean to say that there are not still things I desire, and even long for, but my heart is content in His love.  Perhaps because I am finally beginning to understand His love for me, but that is best left for another post another day.
May each of you, my dear readers, have a blessed and happy New Year, filled with His joy and blessings!

Auntumn

  It seems I've been thinking and writing a lot about change lately.  I guess that's because life is all about change.  Without change, there would be no life.  Without change, the caterpillar would never become the butterfly, Winter would never become Spring, the greens of Summer would never become the rich golds and crimsons and browns of Fall.

  Sometimes we want change, even long for it, other times we fear it.  We fear change because change means things will be different, no longer known.  We long for change because we dislike what is and wish for something we think will be better.
  Today, I am thinking of the changes that have been occurring in my heart.  Specifically, the change of being willing to accept the lack of change in my life.  There are many things I would wish to be different, but they remain the same.  Foremost in my mind is the often painful fact that I am still single.  I am learning to accept this fact, while still trusting that my Father will one day change it.  Sometimes accepting the lack of change can be harder than accepting the changes.  
  The changes in my heart take place as I learn to look to Him for all that I need.  He alone is able to give the love that I long for.  He alone will love me without fail.  He alone will be faithful completely and never disappoint me and leave me wondering what happened to love.  He alone will truly never leave me.
  Sometimes I wonder why it is that I feel like I need more than what He is giving me.  Isn't He supposed to be all that I need?  I don't know the answer to this question.  I can only trust Him, trusting that if I needed the answer, He would give it to me, clinging ever closer to Him.

My Turn

So much of life seems to be spent waiting. We wait for things from the time we are small. Then we wait for things like birthdays, Christmas and a turn on the swings. As we grow, the things we wait for "grow" with us. We wait for our first car, first job and high school graduation. Waiting is simply a part of life. We get used to it, but it doesn't get any easier.
When my brother announced his engagement to his soon to be bride, I had mixed emotions. I was happy for him, even excited, but I was sad for myself. Yes, I had a good long, old fashioned pity party. I am the oldest. I'm supposed to get married first. I'm supposed to make Mom and Dad proud grandparents for the first time. It's supposed to be my turn first!
Looking back, it all seems pretty selfish. I don't like to think of myself as a selfish person. I like to think that I am in the habit of putting other people first and thinking of their wants and needs above my own. Then something happens that sends me skidding back to reality. I'm not so much different than a two year old when it comes to the things I think I'm entitled to. I want my life to go my way, exactly when I want it to. When that doesn't happen, things can turn ugly. Not so much on the outside, perhaps, but in my heart things can turn downright nasty. I fume and I fuss and I stomp my inner feet at the "injustices" of life.
As God molds and shapes and scrapes off the excess, I am slowly becoming more like Christ. But even here my inner two year old can rear it's ugly head. "Why do You make me wait for that? Can't I learn patience waiting for something else?" I hear myself whine, "When will it be my turn?" Over and over, when I should be rejoicing in the joy of those I love, I find myself whining to God instead. Instead of being thankful for their joy and blessings, and the many blessings I do have, I complain and whine about the things I don't have.
I have a tendency to think, "If I only had.... Then I would be happy. Then I would have everything I need." I am learning to be content where I am, with what I have, without "someone special". I am learning, but it isn't always easy. Sometimes the ache of loneliness seems overwhelming. Sometimes it feels as though I will suffocate beneath its weight. Then I remember that I do not bear this alone. I may be single, I may not have "someone special", but I am not alone. I have Someone Special. I have a Friend who is with me, who will never leave me, who will always be there to pick up my unlovely inner two year old and tell me, "I love you, my child, even when you are most unlovely. But I love you too much to let you stay this way. Get up off the floor, let Me brush off the dirt and dust and grime of your self pity and show you what you do have. Look at all I have given you and trust Me to give you all that you truly need, when I know the time is right."
Father, help me to focus on the blessings I have in You, rather than on what I wish I had. Keep the eyes of my heart ever focused on You and Your glorious blessings of life and salvation. Keep my heart still and quiet that You may work Your will in my life, in Your way and in Your time. Help me to trust You fully and completely as I wait, rejoicing in what I do have and in the joy of what You have given others.