Change, Again

Once again I find myself in the uncomfortable position of being supremely excited and yet still struggling to get used to change. I am finally starting to get used to my little brother being married, and now they're expecting their first baby. I am so excited to be an auntie, and absolutely happy for them, but still I struggle. Why can I not let go? Why do I keep grasping for my own dreams instead of trusting God to unfold His dreams for me? Why is it so hard to trust my Savior with my dreams? He is the Creator of the universe, Almighty God, King of kings! Yet I am afraid to let go of my own little, insignificant life and leave it in His hands. I want to trust Him, but I keep finding myself once again clinging to my feeble dreams.

I know His dreams are infinitely better than my own. I know when His perfect timing finally arrives, I will never wish things had gone my way instead of His. I know every day of waiting will be worth it, but why can't I convince my heart of this? When will my heart learn?

Quiet

I love the quiet of morning, before anyone else is up. It is just me and Jesus and the quiet. This is when He speaks to me, to my heart and the troubles I keep hidden there. Today He shows me that He is the answer to those troubles, all of them, every single one. Not a single trouble is too big for Him to take care of. I know this. I know my God is big. I know He is powerful. I know He can take care of me. I know His plans are perfect. So why am I afraid? Why do I keep wondering if He has forgotten me in my little corner of life? Why do I still feel like my life has gone on and left me behind? I know I am where He has for me today. This is what I must focus on. Today. Today is all that I truly have. Yesterday is gone forever, tomorrow is not here yet and never guaranteed to come at all. Today is a gift, this is how I must view it, a gift to be filled with adventure, if I can find some.

I am often left feeling like my life is terribly ordinary. I don't want to be ordinary, but I don't know how to be anything else. This is what I have always been. How does one change what has always been? Ordinary used to be comfortable, but it is becoming like an old shoe. At first it is comfortable because you have gotten used to it, it has worn to the shape of your unique foot. But after a while, the sole begins to wear thin and your big toe begins to poke through. That is the way ordinary feels. Irritating and constraining. I know there is something more out there that God has in store for me, but what? And when? I grow weary with waiting, but still I must wait, and trust. For you never know what tomorrow may hold, but I know Who holds tomorrow!

Changes

It still hasn't sunk in yet. My little brother is married. He has a wife now and Theresa is officially my sister. I am used to him being gone to Salem for the weekend, so it doesn't seem strange yet to not have him "at home". I am wondering when it will really hit me. When will it seem real?
As I watched the ceremony, I kept thinking to myself, "This doesn't seem like it's really happening. I feel like I'm watching a play," and wondering if it felt any more real to the people around me, or even Trent and Theresa. It is hard getting used to such a big change, especially when it means letting go of long cherished dreams of being the first. A friend on facebook posted the other day saying, "Security is found when you let go, true hope is then there to hold onto." I am learning to let go and let God do His work, but it isn't always easy. I so easily forget to trust. Then I become afraid and cling all the tighter to my dreams, afraid that God will "mess them up". I know God's ways are infinitely better and more beautiful than mine, but still I am afraid.
Lord, help me to trust You! Help me to keep my focus on Your love and power and not my fears. Keep my eyes fully turned to You and not the waves of the storm around me.

My Turn

So much of life seems to be spent waiting. We wait for things from the time we are small. Then we wait for things like birthdays, Christmas and a turn on the swings. As we grow, the things we wait for "grow" with us. We wait for our first car, first job and high school graduation. Waiting is simply a part of life. We get used to it, but it doesn't get any easier.
When my brother announced his engagement to his soon to be bride, I had mixed emotions. I was happy for him, even excited, but I was sad for myself. Yes, I had a good long, old fashioned pity party. I am the oldest. I'm supposed to get married first. I'm supposed to make Mom and Dad proud grandparents for the first time. It's supposed to be my turn first!
Looking back, it all seems pretty selfish. I don't like to think of myself as a selfish person. I like to think that I am in the habit of putting other people first and thinking of their wants and needs above my own. Then something happens that sends me skidding back to reality. I'm not so much different than a two year old when it comes to the things I think I'm entitled to. I want my life to go my way, exactly when I want it to. When that doesn't happen, things can turn ugly. Not so much on the outside, perhaps, but in my heart things can turn downright nasty. I fume and I fuss and I stomp my inner feet at the "injustices" of life.
As God molds and shapes and scrapes off the excess, I am slowly becoming more like Christ. But even here my inner two year old can rear it's ugly head. "Why do You make me wait for that? Can't I learn patience waiting for something else?" I hear myself whine, "When will it be my turn?" Over and over, when I should be rejoicing in the joy of those I love, I find myself whining to God instead. Instead of being thankful for their joy and blessings, and the many blessings I do have, I complain and whine about the things I don't have.
I have a tendency to think, "If I only had.... Then I would be happy. Then I would have everything I need." I am learning to be content where I am, with what I have, without "someone special". I am learning, but it isn't always easy. Sometimes the ache of loneliness seems overwhelming. Sometimes it feels as though I will suffocate beneath its weight. Then I remember that I do not bear this alone. I may be single, I may not have "someone special", but I am not alone. I have Someone Special. I have a Friend who is with me, who will never leave me, who will always be there to pick up my unlovely inner two year old and tell me, "I love you, my child, even when you are most unlovely. But I love you too much to let you stay this way. Get up off the floor, let Me brush off the dirt and dust and grime of your self pity and show you what you do have. Look at all I have given you and trust Me to give you all that you truly need, when I know the time is right."
Father, help me to focus on the blessings I have in You, rather than on what I wish I had. Keep the eyes of my heart ever focused on You and Your glorious blessings of life and salvation. Keep my heart still and quiet that You may work Your will in my life, in Your way and in Your time. Help me to trust You fully and completely as I wait, rejoicing in what I do have and in the joy of what You have given others.

Thoughts

I was doing my devotions today (from Isaiah 40 verses 10 and following) and it got me thinking. God is so powerful, so powerful that He created all we see, so big the ocean is like a drop in a bucket and the nations like grains of sand to Him. Why is it then that we have such a hard time trusting Him? We seem to have no problem trusting Him with our death and all eternity after death, but when it comes to trusting Him with our life, the here and now, well, that's another story. We have our own ideas about what we want and how we think things should happen and we don't want God "messing things up", which is a completely ridiculous idea! God's plans are so much greater and better than our own! But still, that is how we tend to view it. "If I trust God with this area in my life, He'll mess it up and things won't happen the way I want them to or think they should."
Why is it so hard to let go and trust Him? I have found the more I know Him, the easier it becomes, but still is not easy. I still find myself holding back, keeping my hand firmly grasped around an issue while saying, "Here, Lord, I want You to take this," when what I really mean is, "I'm going to let You try this, but if I don't like what You're doing, I'm ready to take it back and do it my own way."
Oh, Lord, give me the faith to trust You wholly!

Life's Passage

I was sitting at the kitchen table the other morning, waiting for my breakfast to finish cooking, and absently reading the little travel sayings on a keepsake box I found sitting there. One of them said, "A passage is a one way trip. A voyage is there and back again." I didn't think much of it at the time, just tucked it in the back of my mind as one of those "useless" bits of information.
But on the way home from church this evening I was humming snatches of several different songs by Keith and Kristyn Getty. Suddenly that little tid bit of information from the box came bursting back into my memory. I was singing "Jesus Draw Me Ever Nearer", the part that says, "You have called me to this passage, and I'll follow though I'm worn." A passage is a one way trip. Though my way is difficult and I am weary with the journey, it is only a passage, not a voyage. I will not pass this way again. There will be other trials and storms I must pass through, but this storm I must face only once and then it will pass. Another line in the song says, "When the midnight meets the morning let me love You even more." I love that line. "When the midnight meets the morning." Jesus has a way of bringing the morning just when we think it couldn't possibly get any darker, the way couldn't get any more difficult and suddenly we see a ray of sunshine shooting through the storm clouds.
I love the seeming contradictions that we find in out walk with God. They seem to contradict, but in truth, they are beautiful realities! "May the treasures of the trial form within me as I go." How often do we look at a trial as a treasure? But when it is seen from the view point of all God can work in us through that trial, it really is a treasure. Not because of the trial itself, but because of the treasure of Christlikeness is works within us.
Another Getty song says, "Beneath His wings my weary soul may soar." It seems to contradict and yet it doesn't. It is only when we abide in the shelter of His wings that we have the strength, His strength, to lift our own wings and soar to the heights of joy and peace that He has for us.
Here are the lyrics to the two songs I've mentioned here for those of you who aren't familiar with the Gettys.

Jesus Dray Me Ever Nearer

Jesus dray me ever nearer,
As I labor through the storm.
You have called me to this passage,
And I'll follow though I'm worn.

May this journey bring a blessing!
May I rise on wings of faith.
And at the end of my heart's testing,
With Your likeness let me wake.

Jesus guide me through the tempest,
Keep my spirit stayed and sure.
When the midnight meets the morning,
Let me love You even more.

May this journey bring a blessing!
May I rise on wings of faith.
And at the end of my heart's testing,
With Your likeness let me wake.

Let the treasure of the trial,
Form within me as I go.
And at the end of this long passage,
Let me leave them at Your throne.

May this journey bring a blessing!
May I rise on wings of faith.
And at the end of my heart's testing,
With Your likeness let me wake.



What Grace Is Mine.

What grace is mine that He who dwells in endless light,
Called through the night to find my distant soul?
And from His scars poured mercy that would plead for me,
That I might live, and in His name be known.

So I will go wherever He is calling me.
I lose my life to find my life in Him.
I give my all to gain the hope that never dies.
I bow my heart, take up my cross and follow Him.

What grace is mine to know His breath alive in me?
Beneath His wings my weary soul may soar.
All fear can flee for death's dark night is overcome.
My Savior lives and reigns forever more!

So I will go wherever He is calling me.
I lose my life to find my life in Him.
I give my all to gain the hope that never dies.
I bow my heart, take up my cross and follow Him.

Gifts From Above

Look at the sunrise that opens the day,
Each silver dew drop, each golden ray.
Look at the ocean so sparkling and blue,
Each tiny flower with brilliant hew.
Look at the leaves of crimson and gold.
Each way we look are blessings untold.
Look at our blessings, our gifts from above,
Each precious moment, each gift of love.
To think that God sends us blessings galore,
And all that we do is just ask for more!

What Jesus Did For Me

When in the depths of black despair,

Looked and found that Christ was there.
My sorrow, sin and shame to bear.

He took my sorrows and my shame,
Gave joy and peace for me to claim.
Oh, praise my Jesus, praise His name!

And now with joy my soul doth soar,
For at His feet my sorrows pour.
A slave to sin I am no more.

Now some glad day His face I'll see
For Jesus died to ransom me.
With all His saints in Heav'n I'll be!

Every Day With Jesus

Every day is sweeter, sweeter
Than the day that came before.
When you walk with Jesus, Jesus,
You bare your cares alone no more.

Now the sun shines brighter, brighter,
Than it ever has before.
Every day you walk with Jesus
You will love Him more and more.

Carry Me

Lord, my world's come crashing down,
It's in pieces all around.
Seems like piece just can't be found,
In this world that just keeps turning round and round.

Chorus
Carry me, I can't make it on my own!
Carry me, I can't do it all alone.
Carry me, Dear Lord, carry me.

Lord, my life's so incomplete,
Broken pieces at Your feet.
Please be my strength, Lord, I'm so weak.
In this world, You are the treasure that I seek.

Lord, I don't know what to do,
I know I should be trusting You,
But it's oh, so hard to do
In this world where blinded eyes just can't see through.

Lord, You've got a special plan for me,
But sometimes it's hard to see
How Your love could carry me
In this world, over this rough and stormy sea.

Lord, I just don't understand,
Although I know You had this planned
And I'm safe within Your hand
In this world, in this dark and weary land.

Lord, I know You'll carry me,
Make me what I ought to be,
Till Your blessed face I see,
Past this world, forever in Heaven I'll be.

Sharing His Blessings

Over the years, the Lord has given me precious words of encouragement. I've collected them into a journal as He's given them to me and I ran across it while packing up my book case. As I was reading over some of them it occurred to me that He didn't give them to me just for me, He gave them to me to share with others. So I decided to start posting some of them now and again.
I hope you all find as much encouragement from them as I have.

Your Hands (by JJ Heller)

This song, by JJ Heller, has been a tremendous encouragement to me. I pray it will bless you as it has blessed me!

Your Hands

I have unanswered prayer,
I have trouble I wish wasn't there.
I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away,
That You would take my pain away.

I am trying to understand
How to walk in this weary land.
Make straight the paths that crooked lie,
O Lord, before these feet of mine.
O Lord, before these feet of mine.

Chorus:
When my world is shaking,
Heaven stands.
When my heart is breaking,
I never leave Your hands.

When You walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt.
I know You hate to see me cry,
One day You will set all things right,
One day You will set all things right.

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands.
When my heart is breaking,
I never leave Your hands.

Bridge:
You hands, Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me, they hold me still.

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands.
When my heart is breaking,
I never leave...
When my world is shaking,
Heaven stands.
When my heart is breaking,
I never leave,
I never leave Your hands.