I'm sitting here, listening to the rain on the roof, the wind lashing it against the window pain, drinking my second cup of chai (it's a hot tea kind of day!) and watching the wind on the river. I am warm and dry and safe from the storm. I feel the physical safety, from this physical storm. But as I look out the window, see the waves on the river, hear the rain beat on the roof, on the inside, I feel more like the birds on the water. Wind blown and storm tossed. My life feels more like the river, rushing past me, tossed by the storm, rough and unsafe, in danger of capsizing my boat at any moment.
In my quiet time with the Lord today, I read from Matthew 8. The disciples were with Jesus in the boat. The storm came and they were afraid. Even though Jesus was in the boat with them, they were afraid. I think I understand how the disciples felt. They knew Jesus was in the boat. They knew He had the power to save them, they'd just seen Him heal a leper, after all, but still they were afraid. In that moment, the storm was the biggest thing in their minds. In their minds, that was their current reality. Wind howling, waves crashing, rain poring down in torrents, the boat is beginning to sink. And they are afraid. I used to wonder, how was it, that after seeing Jesus perform miracle after miracle, could they still be afraid? Now I know. Now the storm is my storm. Now I am the one seeing the waves, hearing the wind, feeling the rain lash against my face. Now I am the one who is afraid. Even though I know Jesus is in my boat, too. I have also seen Him work miracles, over and over again, but I am still afraid, just like they were. And I am still confused by their fear, just as I am confused by my own.
Why am I afraid? I know Who is in my boat, I know what He can do, I even know He can calm the storm. But maybe that's just it. I know He can, but the storm still rages. Am I afraid because He hasn't done what I thought He should? Am I afraid because I don't know how much worse the storm will get? I know He has the power to still the storm, I know He has a plan, I know He knows the plan. I also know that He has the power to see me through the storm. So why am I still afraid?
