Sometimes, in this journey we call life, God takes us places we never expected to go, places we didn't think we wanted to go. Until we get there. I find myself in just such a place in my life right now. If you had asked me twenty years ago where my life was headed, what my dreams and goals were for my life, where I saw myself in twenty years, I would have given you a picture of marriage and children and a home of my own. I would have told you dreams of spending my mornings teaching little minds, children all neatly sitting at their desks, eager expressions on their freshly washed faces, and afternoons spent baking in the kitchen, or working in the garden, or teaching little fingers to sew a strait seam. I would have told you of my plans to have everyone clean, fresh and smiling, a perfectly prepared, healthy dinner waiting on the table for when my knight in shining armor returned home from work. That is the picture I would have given you of the future of my dreams.
That is a very different picture than what you would actually see looking at my life today. In fact, you will find very little of my dreams in my reality. And yet, I am not left feeling cheated, or as though I've somehow missed out on life. I have almost nothing I always thought I wanted, and yet I have everything and more. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't want you to think I never have days when I wish things could be different, when I wish I had all the things I dream of. I do. A lot of them. If I let myself, I can through a pitty party with the best of them, and in my heart I can act every bit like a toddler who's just been told no. But the truth is, I am happy. Right here. Right now. Today. With what I have. It's an odd feeling really, having nothing I always thought I needed to be happy, nothing I always thought I wanted, nothing of my dreams, and yet feeling perfectly content, feeling as though I am living my dreams.
I don't have what I always dreamed. I have more, so much more! I don't have a house of my own, but I have a place to call home and a family who loves me. I don't have children of my own, but I have a precious little girl I am entrusted with every day who tells me I am the best Marmee ever and has completely stolen my heart. I don't spend my mornings teaching my own children, but I am privileged to teach two preschool/kindergarten classes at my church.
I spent so much of the last twenty years feeling sorry for myself because I didn't have what I thought I needed to be happy, instead of trusting my loving all knowing Heavenly Father to give me His best. It is a growing process and I am still learning, but resting in His plan and His timing has brought a joy and a peace like none I have ever known. I am finding that He knows me better than I know myself, and in knowing me, He knows my needs. In knowing me, He knows what will truly bring me joy and contentment. It is only in trusting Him to bring about His plan for my life that the heart of my dreams can become my reality. It is only in resting in His plan that it no longer matters that my plans have not become reality. It is only in resting in Him and trusting Him to bring about His best for my life that I find the joy and contentment I thought my dreams would bring.
