So much of life seems to be spent waiting. We wait for things from the time we are small. Then we wait for things like birthdays, Christmas and a turn on the swings. As we grow, the things we wait for "grow" with us. We wait for our first car, first job and high school graduation. Waiting is simply a part of life. We get used to it, but it doesn't get any easier.
When my brother announced his engagement to his soon to be bride, I had mixed emotions. I was happy for him, even excited, but I was sad for myself. Yes, I had a good long, old fashioned pity party. I am the oldest. I'm supposed to get married first. I'm supposed to make Mom and Dad proud grandparents for the first time. It's supposed to be my turn first!
Looking back, it all seems pretty selfish. I don't like to think of myself as a selfish person. I like to think that I am in the habit of putting other people first and thinking of their wants and needs above my own. Then something happens that sends me skidding back to reality. I'm not so much different than a two year old when it comes to the things I think I'm entitled to. I want my life to go my way, exactly when I want it to. When that doesn't happen, things can turn ugly. Not so much on the outside, perhaps, but in my heart things can turn downright nasty. I fume and I fuss and I stomp my inner feet at the "injustices" of life.
As God molds and shapes and scrapes off the excess, I am slowly becoming more like Christ. But even here my inner two year old can rear it's ugly head. "Why do You make me wait for that? Can't I learn patience waiting for something else?" I hear myself whine, "When will it be my turn?" Over and over, when I should be rejoicing in the joy of those I love, I find myself whining to God instead. Instead of being thankful for their joy and blessings, and the many blessings I do have, I complain and whine about the things I don't have.
I have a tendency to think, "If I only had.... Then I would be happy. Then I would have everything I need." I am learning to be content where I am, with what I have, without "someone special". I am learning, but it isn't always easy. Sometimes the ache of loneliness seems overwhelming. Sometimes it feels as though I will suffocate beneath its weight. Then I remember that I do not bear this alone. I may be single, I may not have "someone special", but I am not alone. I have Someone Special. I have a Friend who is with me, who will never leave me, who will always be there to pick up my unlovely inner two year old and tell me, "I love you, my child, even when you are most unlovely. But I love you too much to let you stay this way. Get up off the floor, let Me brush off the dirt and dust and grime of your self pity and show you what you do have. Look at all I have given you and trust Me to give you all that you truly need, when I know the time is right."
Father, help me to focus on the blessings I have in You, rather than on what I wish I had. Keep the eyes of my heart ever focused on You and Your glorious blessings of life and salvation. Keep my heart still and quiet that You may work Your will in my life, in Your way and in Your time. Help me to trust You fully and completely as I wait, rejoicing in what I do have and in the joy of what You have given others.
