Change, Again

Once again I find myself in the uncomfortable position of being supremely excited and yet still struggling to get used to change. I am finally starting to get used to my little brother being married, and now they're expecting their first baby. I am so excited to be an auntie, and absolutely happy for them, but still I struggle. Why can I not let go? Why do I keep grasping for my own dreams instead of trusting God to unfold His dreams for me? Why is it so hard to trust my Savior with my dreams? He is the Creator of the universe, Almighty God, King of kings! Yet I am afraid to let go of my own little, insignificant life and leave it in His hands. I want to trust Him, but I keep finding myself once again clinging to my feeble dreams.

I know His dreams are infinitely better than my own. I know when His perfect timing finally arrives, I will never wish things had gone my way instead of His. I know every day of waiting will be worth it, but why can't I convince my heart of this? When will my heart learn?

Quiet

I love the quiet of morning, before anyone else is up. It is just me and Jesus and the quiet. This is when He speaks to me, to my heart and the troubles I keep hidden there. Today He shows me that He is the answer to those troubles, all of them, every single one. Not a single trouble is too big for Him to take care of. I know this. I know my God is big. I know He is powerful. I know He can take care of me. I know His plans are perfect. So why am I afraid? Why do I keep wondering if He has forgotten me in my little corner of life? Why do I still feel like my life has gone on and left me behind? I know I am where He has for me today. This is what I must focus on. Today. Today is all that I truly have. Yesterday is gone forever, tomorrow is not here yet and never guaranteed to come at all. Today is a gift, this is how I must view it, a gift to be filled with adventure, if I can find some.

I am often left feeling like my life is terribly ordinary. I don't want to be ordinary, but I don't know how to be anything else. This is what I have always been. How does one change what has always been? Ordinary used to be comfortable, but it is becoming like an old shoe. At first it is comfortable because you have gotten used to it, it has worn to the shape of your unique foot. But after a while, the sole begins to wear thin and your big toe begins to poke through. That is the way ordinary feels. Irritating and constraining. I know there is something more out there that God has in store for me, but what? And when? I grow weary with waiting, but still I must wait, and trust. For you never know what tomorrow may hold, but I know Who holds tomorrow!